On The Rocks

“Washed my sheets when you left but still smell you on my pillow”

Love or love lost can make you do things that you normally wouldn’t or it can make you not do things that you normally would. It basically makes you all fucked up in the head no matter which way you look at it, in good times and in bad.

I don’t tend to love often, but when I do, I love hard. Breaking up doesn’t feel like my heart is in pieces, it feels like I’m being stabbed in heart and in the back simultaneously. Over and over and over again. The only thing that feels like it would help is to change everything and start over. Coincidentally, every time I’ve ever moved apartments, it’s been during or directly after a breakup. I’ve been told it’s really running away from my problems, but to me, it’s the only thing that has ever fixed the problem. I usually needed to move anyway, but got too comfortable and content to take the initiative. Maybe it’s not breaking up that makes me move, but love that makes me stay. 

This time around I need more than a new apartment. I need a whole new city. New job, new everything… but I’ve needed a new start for a while now, it’s nothing new. What’s new is that I finally have what I need to make me do it, a heart with multiple, invisible stab wounds. 

“Been a couple weeks, but it feels like you still there, no matter how I clean, I’m still finding your hair or some shit you forgot, or I’m standing in that spot where you”….

 I’ve been wanting to permanently leave this city for a year or two, always threatening and many times coming close but never actually following through. This last time, I gave Philly and me an expiration date of Fall 2010, and then I fell in love. 

As my official moving date gets closer, the packed boxes in my apartment begin to multiply, and my stab wounds go from a sharp pain to a dull aching, I can’t help but to believe that this is what was supposed to happen. Losing love is not why I’m leaving Philly after 10 years, love is why I stayed so long in the first place. 

 ”I really wanted you to stay but I needed you to leave”…